To the reader, whomever you may be- Last week was the two year anniversary of my suicide attempt. A year ago I wrote about it mentioning an abusive relationship and posting about it on all forms of social media; that day last year was filled with emotions and memories that I wanted nothing more than to be out of my life. As the day this year approached me I wondered how I would react to it. I think my actions surprised me; I wrote no article, I made no powerful post on social media. Instead I wrote an email to a woman who taught me so much about moving forward. While it might have been written to her, it meant so much to me.
September is a month full of a whirlwind of demon’s past.
But right now, I’m going to focus on September 19th.
Two years ago, I almost made the decision to no longer live.
I was going to almost 100 miles an hour on the 605 freeway, and something, call it the voice of God, or something in the universe, told me to slow down. Something told me tomorrow is worth living for.
You might be reading this wondering why in the world I would be starting an email on this Tuesday afternoon in such a way.
Well first off, not too many people can say they’ve truly seen me transform and grow in the way that you have the last five years. And I think now I can finally see everything you did.
And secondly- I woke up this morning, September 19th 2017, at 4am to head to the Disneyland Resort. I was exhausted, but excited, for this morning I put on my Guest Relations costume, the one that I’ve been fighting so hard to get back into. I stand there in the foggy, empty resort, surrounded by a hundred of other “Plaids.”
The managers stand in front of us to deliver a speech; Today was the annual Guest Relations Photo, that dates back to 1959, when Walt Disney first created this magical department.
“You all have been hand picked to be apart of this legacy. You are the storytellers, you are the future of this happy place”
My heart is beaming with pride and happiness that I never knew could exist within me.
In the last two month the words “I’m so happy and proud of you Jaymeann” have been said to me by nearly ever coworker who knows how much of a dream it has been to pass my Guest Relations assessment and become apart of the team. I always smile and I accept, though happy was a word I was too afraid to use. Because I know all too well how easily happiness can be taken away.
But today, oh my god, I’m thriving, I’m happy.
I am happy.
On top of this wonderful opportunity, my family and I are getting along exceedingly well, my “little sister” is such a sweetheart and already teaching me so many things, and I, for the first time in a very very long time, think I may be actually falling in love life and the people in it.
Those words, “I’m in love,” they terrify me more than the words “I’m happy” because maybe my heart could break. But those are just the maybe’s in life.
So I’m emailing you, on this beautiful September 19th, to tell you how wonderful it is to be alive, and how dreams come true. I can’t believe I ever once thought they couldn’t. And how honored I am to have you and so many others strive and push me to get to this point.
With that, I also want to tell you I hope you’re doing well and that year is going on easy on you. Though I’m sure your schedule is crazy, as usual, I hope you and I can catch up in person soon.
Wishing you the best and hope to hear from you soon,