This Winter I’ll Dance

To the one I thought I loved,

Holiday music is playing everywhere I go, and I think of you.

I remember the day the radio stations started playing Christmas songs,  without hesitation, you immediately switched it. “Disgusting, I hate this music,” you said. I didn’t know that about you, all I wanted to do was dance with you, but you laughed.

It’s funny how I could be in love and know so little about you.

I remember the day we met, how your eyes first looked at me, you had such eagerness in them, and I had never seen anyone so captivated by the words I had to say, the promises you made. You told me stories of your desires. As the night prolonged, I watched as you fall deeper. “I’ve got you captured,” I thought to myself and I willingly let you claim me for yourself in return.

First your lips touched my fingers, then my cheek and soon my lips were upon yours. I never knew it was possible to feel the entire world be frozen, for nothing else to matter. You were perfect and my in memory you remain that way. Was that your plan all along?  Time persisted as did we, I’ve kept the photos are our memories so I would never forget how you made me felt. I latched onto your love like a crutch. 18- years- old and I was so helplessly and hopelessly in love with a perfect boy.

And my darling though you may never admit it, you knew all along that it was never you I had fallen in love with. It was the attention, it was the promises, it was the love you had given me. Because how is it possible to fall in love with someone you don’t even know.

It took us 7 whole days before we offered each other the world, our love eternally.  We were so young to realize how dangerous it was playing with a fire before I even knew how to control it. I craved your touch, your kiss, and everything you are and all that you do. I didn’t have to wait, I didn’t have to take take the time I show have to fall in love; it was being given to me so willingly.  It’s like you read my mind, knowing everything I could ever want from a lover, my perfect match, my soulmate, my forever.

My love was passion, giving you every inch of myself, both physically and emotionally, my love is spontaneity and cautious, my love was supportive, and making sure you knew your worth. And above all, my love was yours. Your love was patient, it held my hand, it was so incredibly proudly, it spoke of a future. Your love listened to my fears and held me so tightly. Your love told me you were happy. Your love kept promises of a tomorrow, of a future together, a perfect little life, a life where I was to be the only thing that mattered.

My darling, that was how you presented your love.

But was that you?

I remember the day I felt the picture start to tear, the day I met your friends, when I could finally see you as someone else. I remember my anxiety preventing me from moving afraid to meet them, because I think even then I knew. I knew that this would be the day everything would change, up until then you love had been my perfect untouchable image, and now I was to see you in a completely different light. It wasn’t dark, but until then you were a light that would guide me, protect and love me. I didn’t understand then. I thought I knew you, but I didn’t realize I only knew what you allowed me to see, and what you told me you were, you only allowed me to love you when the right lights were shining on you the way you wanted.

You see, your love was just one side of you, as it was of me. But the difference is, I showed you ever single side of me, the good, the bad, the controlling, and ugly and the beauty. You stood there refusing to give me anything more, I begged you to show me, but you didn’t want to.

You leaving was one thing, but wondering if I even knew you at all makes me wonder if I wasted my time, is a thought I cannot allow myself to ponder on. My time is too precious to give up and that is not yours to take. You took my innocence, my trust, and you made a mockery of it. You took my love before you even showed me your true self. Now I wonder if he even exists, if the memory I hold onto is just one that I’ve made up in my head to keep my heart from completely shattering. The boy I loved wanted New York in the moonlight, the freedom of life and from people’s opinions. Where is he now? Was he a lie, were you so desperate to feel love that you allowed yourself to become someone I would love? Why were you so afraid I wouldn’t love you? Maybe I would have, and maybe I wouldn’t have. Maybe it would have been your heart that would have broken instead of mine,  or maybe it still would have ended just the same.

And when you walked away, you blamed me, telling me how I had turned you into something you are not. My expectations of you were too much for you handle.

My darling how was that my fault? You can’t hate me for being angry after you let me fall for a side of you does not exist! You were the one take him away when you grew tired of using the right lighting to hide your flaws. I should have known, perfection is an illusion, and you the magician, and boy you had me fooled.

You’re with someone else, so I ask, are you lying to her? Are you telling her everything she wants to hear? About how you fantasize about running away to a remote cottage in the middle of Europe, with nothing but a few dollars and a few books to keep you company in your solitude.  Chivalry is something you want to keep alive, so you only wish the spoil her. How you claim to be ambitious, no one is ever going to get in between you and your dreams, and how she is your dream come true. I bet she thinks you’re perfect, as I once did. And if you are, I hope she’s smarter than I was though, I hope she learns it’s all an act, how you know how to lie and persuade people to get what you want.

You once wanted me, so you played the game until you won.Congratulations my darling, you won the game, but you lost me.

I remember now that you hate Christmas music.

So this winter I’ll dance alone, but I won’t feel so lonely.

-A woman who knows better now.

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