Feels Like New Years Day

My grandmother once told me she isn’t very fond of New Year’s Eve. My years growing up in her house meant that my New Year’s Eve, was quiet. To her, she never understood why people felt the need to stay up all night just the countdown to a moment, if on gave it thought, really was insignificant. It’s just a change in the number you place on the top of your school papers. While she might just have sometimes against the crowds, the parties, the alcohol, the horns and the confetti, a taste that I understand just isn’t for everyone.

Above all she seemed to not be a fan over the obsession of New Year’s Resolutions. It was never that she thought there was anything wrong with wanting to create goal. Instead she disliked how everyone went crazy in the last couple days to make goals for themselves, when in reality, any day of the year in a chance for someone to sit down and to make a promise to start a new.

I, however, love new years eve; I love counting down with millions of others across the time zone. And in the last couple years I’ve used the last New Year’s Eve to look over the last 365 days to see my growth and try to find the positives in all the hurt and heartbreak life would continuously throw out at me. But as I found myself reflecting on the past year, I realized that it had been filled with something I’m not: happiness

Too happy.

It didn’t seem fair at first, with so much happening in the world, why I would lucky enough to experience such happiness in my life. In fact, I almost forgot how much joy life had given me, because I had spent so much time constantly wondering when all of this was going to be over. The previous years, I had fallen so use to happiness being a short temporary feeling, something that can be taken away at any given moment. My anxiety and I had stopped myself from truly embracing happiness and all it’s blessings.  I understand that pain is inevitable in this world, but if I keep thinking about the what if’s in life, allowing them to fill my mind with fears that may never happen, then I’m not really living, am I.

This year, as I write my resolutions for the New Year, my grandmother’s voice repeats in my head. I think about how I once again waited until the first day of the year to write down everything I would like to work on in my life. When, perhaps, if I had listened to her, I could have experienced more out of 2017.

So here in behold my goals, or changes I want in my life,

  • Write more- Write always

I struggle often with feeling like I’m a real writer, but someone super important to me told me “You write. Therefore you are a writer. No one else gets to tell you otherwise. It’s a mindset I hope to keep and grow upon

That being said I plan on separating the kind of writing I do. This website I want to only use it for blog like post, or my feminist articles because that’s ultimately what I feel I could contribute most to a freelance website. Articles about personal experiences and feminism  preservice and how my job has taught me so much about moving forward like I have talked about in the past.

Anything that falls into the realm of poetry, open letters, short stories, etc, will be posted on other writing communities, more specifically my new website: Prose- Regallyjay

On top of that, I want to stop being so hard on myself if I do not write every day or as often as I would like to. Life happens, work happens, some days I’m just not going to have the time to sit down, and that’s okay. I need to experience a little bit of life if I want to write about it.

  • Wake up earlier

At nights I work, and in the mornings, I sleep in; it almost seems like a routine that I’ve gotten use to. By the time I wake up half my day is already gone. I want to start my days earlier, and more active. Whether I spend that making breakfast, reading, getting out of the house to do all the errands I put on my list. I want to start making the most out of my day, and as much as I love my sleep, I would love going to bed without panicking because I didn’t do anything throughout the day.

  • Stop hating my body.

In the last several months, I’ve posted about my eating disorder and how my views have gotten worse the last year as I’ve watched my body change. I understand that wanting to lose weight or take care of my body is never a negative thing. However, if there’s one thing in 2017 that wasn’t too happy, it’s my eating disorder and anxiety over food. I know the battle I’m about to face isn’t going to be an easy one, and will not only require physical actions, but mental and emotional changes as well. As of right now I’ve already taken out the clothes in my closet that no longer fit me, so I can stop torturing myself with how they no longer zip up or button. I hope to stop staring at all pictures of myself from years ago when I was skinnier, and to stop editing my body in current one. But for today, and everyday after that, I just want to look in the mirror and stop hating every bit of fat on my body.

  • Accept financial responsibility

My debt is horrific, and while I’ve taken care of what I can, it’s still overwhelmingly awful. I’ve maxed out two credit cards, have about $25,000 in school loans to start paying back, and recently I got a driving ticket. With all that already impending, I still struggle with my spending habits. Right now, I’m finally beginning to notice how each little thing starts to add up. While I don’t want to stop spending money on things I enjoy, such as makeup, or coffee, there are also things I purchase that just sit in the corner or my room. Looking at my impending debt is terrifying, but it is my reality and no one else is going to pay it back except for me, and if that means I make the bare minimum payments every month for the next several years, then so be it. Paying back 20 dollars is better than nothing at all.

  • Listen to my Grandmother

As I sit here writing out my plans for 2018, I realize, today is not the only day I can want to make things better for myself. Any day I can wake up and say, “ this is not where I want my life to go, I can change it.” But it’s more than that, each day has been given to me, fresh and new, with the chance to learn from it, or throw it away.  And if I don’t quite like how that day turned out, well, there’s always tomorrow.

Any day can feel like new year’s day.